Warning!!! do not take literally!!!!!!
Dear Jesse,
I’m buried alive. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Struggling to Breathe
Dear Struggling to Breathe,
I hear that you are buried alive. I am so sorry. Here’s what to. First, STOP BREATHING SO HEAVILY! Breathing heavily will shorten your time to live. Instead, breath slowly and calmly. This will prolong your worthless life, because you only have a little bit of oxygen. Second, most coffins are cheaply made because average people like you, Struggling to breathe, don’t get expensive coffins. Sadly inexpensive coffins are still solid chunks of wood, so forget what Sensei Wu told you! You can’t break the coffin with your bare hands!
Instead, use the screwdriver your friend Joe left in your coffin as tribute. Use it to drill different holes in a circle so it is easier to break. You still should not punch it, try to kick it instead. Next take a cloth and block your mouth because the dust will start pouring in. Cool, your done with that, now sit up. It will be easier to get out this way. Great job! You broke the coffin and sat up. Don’t celebrate just yet. You still have to get out of the ground. The soil should still be loose from the digging. Alright, here is what you do. try to wriggle your self up like a worm. There is probably about 5-6 feet of soil above you, so if you are about that tall this should be substantially easier for you. Now you can celebrate, you are finally out.
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