Hello again, and welcome to [Insert Catchy Name Here] where we do science on only the most new, refreshing, and all around trendy games. Today we’re talking about Pokemon, the game where 10-year olds run around catching little dog monsters so you can bite and thrash your way through other dog-fighters and get to the top where eventually your little cute wittle puppy with pwetty wittle cheecks will “evolve” into a giant behemoth of death that will either burn, drown, claw, horrify, or whatever the heck your Pokemon’s power is to destroy ALL THAT STAND IN YOUR WAY. Fun for the whole family! Now today I will be talking about how the heck a Pokemon is able to evolve into their bigger, better, and much more terrifying states.
Because, honestly. Really? You’re going to believe that a Pokemon is able to 1) survive off of nothing but small tiny little treats like rare candy and 2) is able to evolve with the amount of food in their stomach as their is storage of a Samsung phone (which is 0 huahuahuaha)? I think NOT. I mean think of a real world parallel: a caterpillar going into metamorphosis to become a butterfly. Or, a human in puberty. Caterpillars have to get so gosh darn fat before they go into the cocoon, and when they come out it looks like the butterfly hasn’t eaten in a week. Or how a teenager has to eat at least 10 foot-long chicken tender subs worth of food to be able to grow as much as they do.
So how the heck does a small fire lizard thing (Charmander) eventually “evolve” into a giant fire dragon demon thing of death (Charizard)? Well, I’m going to answer that but with a different Pokemon that probably evolves from the most worthless Pokemon into one of the strongest: Magikarp. The amazing thing about Magikarp is about how he evolves from, like I said before, the most WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH into one of the best water type Pokemon in the Pokedex. Now, I’m going to have to do around 3 things for this giant paper that like 5-10 people are going to read. 1) Find all the components of Magikarp’s real world counterpart (Carp), 2) Multiply all of that by the amount of how much Magikarp grows from Magikarp to Gyrados, and 3) Tell you the amount of destruction that entails afterwords.
So, let’s start of with the basics (by that I mean go through the depths of the internet for a couple weeks and eventually find something that might not even be right so then I get to stress out over a paper that practically no one will read in the first so then I feel stupid and then the cycle continues and just JSWOGIH:EWFOIH): the components of carp. Carp is made out of, on average, 78.15% water, 6.85% tissues, 2% lipids, 5% amino acids, 5% blood/minerals, and 10% skeleton. Now, sense I have to figure out all of the amount of stuff that is, then I have to multiply those to get it to the mass of Gyrados. See you in a week!
One Week Later . . .
Ok, now that I’m back after what feels like a week of strolling through papers of what is inside everything that is inside Magikarp and I have multiplied it by 23.54545454 to get it to Gyrados size, I have FINALLY come back to figure out how terrifying the results are. Ok, so when Magikarp would “evolve” into Gyrados, it would immediately start sucking in literally EVERYTHING around you. Atmosphere, dirt, water, buildings, etc., out of anything and… anyone. Now you might be thinking, “Big deal, he’s gonna suck up some air so what? It’s all around us it’s everywhere it’s what we breathe!” Now, you’re only partly right. Less than a quarter of our atmosphere is actually oxygen, with most of it being nitrogen. Same thing with water. On the most humid of days, you only get 800 PICOGRAMS per cubic mile, which is less than a GRAM.
It will be sucking up anything that is nearby, and when I mean “nearby” I mean within a 140,000,000,000 mile radius. So you better hope there is a massive bucket of water in front of you because GUESS WHAT? You’re the most water-rich source and the little fish is going to suck you dry like a SPONGE. And Gyrados is just an extreme example. Any other Pokemon going off would be like a freaking hand grenade as it sucks up all available sources from all nearby resources, killing other people and Pokemon as it robs them of their much needed nutrients, bursting ear drums because of the massive pressure differentials made by huge volumes of the atmosphere collapsing around you, making giant 6 meter holes deep into the ground while sending all other rejected materials flying out in other directions at fractions of the speed of light creating gamma radiation at anyone that was foolish enough to not hit that B button before there Pokemon evolved as quickly as possible.
The world of Pokemon should look very different than it does right now; not so much of a rural, Japanese landscape but more like the apocalyptic world of Fallout with giant radiated craters with nutrient-thirsty monsters and a small population of idiot humans who didn’t kill all of them with lead pipes after the first one exploded into its next form. Forget the dog-fighting analogies, Pokemon themselves are small little ticking time bombs sitting there looking cute as they wait for their next victim to destroy everyone around them. And once they’ve done their work of becoming a mini nuke they come out as something stronger, bigger, meaner, and all the more terrifying. Looks like Game Freak has some sinister thinking behind all of those cute “creative” designs *cough cough* Vanillish *cough cough*. Anyways, now that you know that, go protest that Pokemon should die. Ok bye now.
this is AMAZING!!!
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